splodgenoodles: (Default)
She seems nice enough, and happy to take over from my old one (who's a bit too far away to see easily.)

more )

I had a nice zone-out session in the chapel. I tend to haunt hospital chapels as they are an oasis of calm in the world, a good pick-me-up.

~~~

But yowsa, I had another bad sleep last night and everything's sore. Really relieved there's nothing timetabled for the next few days as my equilibrium badly needs equilibriuming.

Insomnia!

Apr. 13th, 2013 03:36 am
splodgenoodles: (Penelope intro)
My thoughts they race.
My legs they twitch.
Insomnia! I am your bitch.


I might have spent the day flaked out
awake but foggy, on the couch
(because of what you did to me,
late last night 'til after 3),
but when I then concede the day's defeat
and lie down gratefully to sleep,
you pick me up and shake me out!
My synapses are full of doubt
that it is time for me to sleep.
Insomnia, you make me weep!

And when I decide to be bold
and keep moving, like we're told,
do you keep away then, like you should?
No. (I didn't think you would).

Insomnia, you are a bitch.
When I think of you, my fingers twitch.
I know you'll do just what you will

until I take

my


special pill. Insomnia


it's beating you.

The magic pill says fuck you and ninja throws
a sharpened star while elephants talk about their par
3 golf course for the mini-golf crowd who can,

I've heard
get pretty loud at breakfast when it's
had in bed
oh look I
think


the

bitch


is



dead.





.
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Today I am dozey. It's the end-of-summer coolness in the air.

But hey, I had four hours of uninterrupted sleep last night! Possibly even a bit longer. I woke up when the alarm went off thinking the damn thing must be busted before I realised it really was 6:45 and I'd last gotten up at a smidgeon after twoish and I didn't feel half bad.

Awesome. I wish I could sleep for long stretches more often.
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Today I am dozey. It's the end-of-summer coolness in the air.

But hey, I had four hours of uninterrupted sleep last night! Possibly even a bit longer. I woke up when the alarm went off thinking the damn thing must be busted before I realised it really was 6:45 and I'd last gotten up at a smidgeon after twoish and I didn't feel half bad.

Awesome. I wish I could sleep for long stretches more often.
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Early nights feel so good. It's nice waking up that little bit early too and not feeling like I'm on the back foot already, and that I need to jolt myself into the day.

Been doing lots of pre-emptive rests too these last couple of days. In fact, I have this ambitious plan to spend the next few weeks resting properly for pretty much a chunk of every hour during the day as opposed to sitting round in my usual stupor waiting to feel well enough to move/think/whatever. I was trying half an hour rest with half an hour activity, but it's mighty hard to get much done in half an hour and I was finding myself being more active to compensate.

Resting properly = lying down, eyes closed. No brooding. I can't do it too soon after getting up, and I'm not doing it so much when 10B gets home and I know there's times when it simply won't make sense, like when I'm out and about. But after I did a fair bit of it recently(even with the problem of dozing off) I noticed that I was more robust and on the occasions when I went a bit crazy and (heaven forbid!) went out, I recovered better than I would normally expect.

I am all about not having symptoms at the moment. I've reached a point where things really don't seem worth it if I'm going to feel like death warmed up afterwards. I am so sick of it and if I have to spend half my life lying quietly on the couch with a pillow on my head so that I can sit up for the next half hour and do nothing but *not* feel sick, fine. I'll do it.

I am so sick of feeling sick. For those of you who came in late, the 'fatigue' of ME/CFS is not tiredness. It's an excruciating sensation akin to having influenza. I don't mean a 'bit of a lurgy', I mean the sort of influenza that gets named after a country. You can't ignore it, it even keeps you awake and cna make you strangely hyper. You can't think straight. Other conditions that appear to have similar effects include altitude sickness, glandular fever, blood loss and RA(but without the specific joint symptoms).

Unfortunately, right now we've got a guy scrambling round fixing our TV antenna, which is nice but kind of limits my capacity to rest because I'm a bit neurotic. (And he's either an instrinsically unhappy man or he's having a very bad day - he keeps muttering mild expletives to himself.) I want to learn to rest properly wherever I am. I probably won't fully succeed on account of the sensory overload problem, but I wonder if with training I can improve. And there's always ear plugs. If at the very least I could train myself to let go of the physical tension, maybe I could cope better with the other aspects of overloading.

And I am a bit overloaded at the moment. I walked to the Post Office the day before yesterday, then we went out for dinner with Mum-In-Law last night and the restaurant was noisy and it was a bit of a walk to the car afterwards.

I have an excursion this weekend that I really *want* to do, so hopefully I'll come good. I will be doing it, no matter what, but it's a question of keepign the symptoms down enough to enjoy myself and not crashing too badly afterwards.

~~~

I wonder if my ambitious plan is all part of the bargaining phase Kubler-Ross describes, that people go through with grief. It's the "I'll be happy with what I've got if only I can manage x,y,z".

Perhaps not quite.

"I'll be happy with being sick and living this strange life if only I can ...be more active..." and I'm prepared to do this to do so..."

"I'll observe this over-the-top discipline in exchange for that benefit".

I don't know that it will work. I wonder how I'll feel if it does not. Angry at the universe for not fulfilling its part of the deal? I hope not - it's not as if the universe signed a contract.

I have to remember that I'm doing this because I want to see what happens, not because I'm owed anything.

~~~

It's so long since I've been out by myself. Bazza is getting dusty! This annoys me greatly. I've realised I love pootling round on Bazza now. Shambling round by myself like a normal adult human being.

Next week, maybe.
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Early nights feel so good. It's nice waking up that little bit early too and not feeling like I'm on the back foot already, and that I need to jolt myself into the day.

Been doing lots of pre-emptive rests too these last couple of days. In fact, I have this ambitious plan to spend the next few weeks resting properly for pretty much a chunk of every hour during the day as opposed to sitting round in my usual stupor waiting to feel well enough to move/think/whatever. I was trying half an hour rest with half an hour activity, but it's mighty hard to get much done in half an hour and I was finding myself being more active to compensate.

Resting properly = lying down, eyes closed. No brooding. I can't do it too soon after getting up, and I'm not doing it so much when 10B gets home and I know there's times when it simply won't make sense, like when I'm out and about. But after I did a fair bit of it recently(even with the problem of dozing off) I noticed that I was more robust and on the occasions when I went a bit crazy and (heaven forbid!) went out, I recovered better than I would normally expect.

I am all about not having symptoms at the moment. I've reached a point where things really don't seem worth it if I'm going to feel like death warmed up afterwards. I am so sick of it and if I have to spend half my life lying quietly on the couch with a pillow on my head so that I can sit up for the next half hour and do nothing but *not* feel sick, fine. I'll do it.

I am so sick of feeling sick. For those of you who came in late, the 'fatigue' of ME/CFS is not tiredness. It's an excruciating sensation akin to having influenza. I don't mean a 'bit of a lurgy', I mean the sort of influenza that gets named after a country. You can't ignore it, it even keeps you awake and cna make you strangely hyper. You can't think straight. Other conditions that appear to have similar effects include altitude sickness, glandular fever, blood loss and RA(but without the specific joint symptoms).

Unfortunately, right now we've got a guy scrambling round fixing our TV antenna, which is nice but kind of limits my capacity to rest because I'm a bit neurotic. (And he's either an instrinsically unhappy man or he's having a very bad day - he keeps muttering mild expletives to himself.) I want to learn to rest properly wherever I am. I probably won't fully succeed on account of the sensory overload problem, but I wonder if with training I can improve. And there's always ear plugs. If at the very least I could train myself to let go of the physical tension, maybe I could cope better with the other aspects of overloading.

And I am a bit overloaded at the moment. I walked to the Post Office the day before yesterday, then we went out for dinner with Mum-In-Law last night and the restaurant was noisy and it was a bit of a walk to the car afterwards.

I have an excursion this weekend that I really *want* to do, so hopefully I'll come good. I will be doing it, no matter what, but it's a question of keepign the symptoms down enough to enjoy myself and not crashing too badly afterwards.

~~~

I wonder if my ambitious plan is all part of the bargaining phase Kubler-Ross describes, that people go through with grief. It's the "I'll be happy with what I've got if only I can manage x,y,z".

Perhaps not quite.

"I'll be happy with being sick and living this strange life if only I can ...be more active..." and I'm prepared to do this to do so..."

"I'll observe this over-the-top discipline in exchange for that benefit".

I don't know that it will work. I wonder how I'll feel if it does not. Angry at the universe for not fulfilling its part of the deal? I hope not - it's not as if the universe signed a contract.

I have to remember that I'm doing this because I want to see what happens, not because I'm owed anything.

~~~

It's so long since I've been out by myself. Bazza is getting dusty! This annoys me greatly. I've realised I love pootling round on Bazza now. Shambling round by myself like a normal adult human being.

Next week, maybe.
splodgenoodles: (Lock stock stoner eyes)
I think I have new targets for myself:

Eliminate rests at 3PM and 6PM.

For the last three days I have fallen asleep during my pre-emptive rests. The last two days with the 6PM rest, today at 3ish. This is not part of the plan!

And they're not those 20 minute 'powernaps' that I've read about, they're proper sleeps of 1-2 hours duration with time needed afterwards to come to.

And they're no good for my sleep cycle - lights out at midnight is just annoying when I'm that awake, what with having such a goodly long sleep in the afternoon.

And why does caffeine keep me awake at night but not during the day?

And why can't I condition myself to fall asleep this easily at night time? Huh? Answer me that!

And and and andandand why, all of a sudden, do they no longer feel optional? For these last three days it's been a case of needing to lie down and sleep before I fall asleep on my feet!

And yes I know about alarm clocks (d'uh), but...it's just a rest on the couch and I never fall asleep that quickly...takes me ages to get to sleep at night...and I've got my kitchen timer it's just that by the time I hear it, I'm so warm and comfy...and our clock radio is murderously fiddly to adjust.

Outraged, I am. This had better not continue or the irony will kill me.

(It is irony isn't it? Or is it just a giant case of stupid? Or loopy? 10B has just used his most calm and reassuring tone to explain that it's because I'm fucking mental, but I'd rather go with blaming the universe if that's okay with everyone. Then I might use the nocturnal hours to teach myself the trombone on the grounds that it couldn't possibly bother a sound and sane sleeper like him.)

Andandand now it's nearly 6PM. Nap time! Crappity crap crap!

*props eyelids open with matchsticks*
splodgenoodles: (Lock stock stoner eyes)
I think I have new targets for myself:

Eliminate rests at 3PM and 6PM.

For the last three days I have fallen asleep during my pre-emptive rests. The last two days with the 6PM rest, today at 3ish. This is not part of the plan!

And they're not those 20 minute 'powernaps' that I've read about, they're proper sleeps of 1-2 hours duration with time needed afterwards to come to.

And they're no good for my sleep cycle - lights out at midnight is just annoying when I'm that awake, what with having such a goodly long sleep in the afternoon.

And why does caffeine keep me awake at night but not during the day?

And why can't I condition myself to fall asleep this easily at night time? Huh? Answer me that!

And and and andandand why, all of a sudden, do they no longer feel optional? For these last three days it's been a case of needing to lie down and sleep before I fall asleep on my feet!

And yes I know about alarm clocks (d'uh), but...it's just a rest on the couch and I never fall asleep that quickly...takes me ages to get to sleep at night...and I've got my kitchen timer it's just that by the time I hear it, I'm so warm and comfy...and our clock radio is murderously fiddly to adjust.

Outraged, I am. This had better not continue or the irony will kill me.

(It is irony isn't it? Or is it just a giant case of stupid? Or loopy? 10B has just used his most calm and reassuring tone to explain that it's because I'm fucking mental, but I'd rather go with blaming the universe if that's okay with everyone. Then I might use the nocturnal hours to teach myself the trombone on the grounds that it couldn't possibly bother a sound and sane sleeper like him.)

Andandand now it's nearly 6PM. Nap time! Crappity crap crap!

*props eyelids open with matchsticks*
splodgenoodles: (Default)
A week ago I set myself some targets for the week.

The self-help course encouraged me to be modest in target setting, and not to set too many at once. This had honestly never occurred to me. I've always set ambitious targets and lots of them. And then crashed in a heap. So I switched to some very modest little targets to see what would happen. I found I could reach them, but also found they didn't matter to me enough or change things enough to inspire me to keep going. I guess I went from one extreme to the other, but it was good to see that I could reach them, and then see how easy they really were.

So last week I deliberately ramped things up. I was at a point where I needed to test my limits just a little bit. And on the plus side, as targets they weren't dependent on me feeling well enough to do them.

In order to remember them and keep myself on track, I had to write them down in texta and put them up somewhere where I can't avoid seeing them and give myself a tick each time something is done. And I told 10B. Not because he needs to do anything, just so he's aware and I know he's aware of what I'm trying to do and that it matters to me.

~~~

The targets were: pre-emptive rests at 3 and 6 o'clock of at least 15 minutes duration, to start the bedtime process by 11PM and to have lights out by midnight. These four targets were set as separate from each other so botching up the 6PM rest, for example, doesn't mean the day's lost. And the aim was to do each of these things five days out of seven. Always cut yourself some slack.

Also, I can go to bed earlier if I want, I can rest more often if I want, and I can rest for longer than 15 minutes if I want. And I was not to hurry and get a whole lot of stuff done before a rest.

None of this resting and lights out stuff is as easy as it sounds. I'm not going to explain why. It's hard, that's all.

~~~

The effects:

On only one occasion during a pre-emptive rest did I actually doze off (last night, in fact) which is good - the aim is not to sleep, just to shut down for a bit. The rests are a 'no ifs or buts' arrangement: drop whatever I'm doing and do it. So even on occasions when I've been damn nearly screaming that I don't need it and I'm fine, I've done it anyway - and then found that I did need it after all.

I rarely stayed down for only fifteen minutes, and I've stayed down for up to an hour, just relaxing and enjoying the warmth and inertia. (Except for the time I dozed off - I was there for about 90 minutes all up I think).

I don't feel recharged at the end of my rest. I feel calm and quiet and inert. And the inertia feels so good! I move around more slowly and steadily.

Thus far the most useful thing to come out of this is that the rests seem to be adding much needed structure to my day, of a sort that I can actually handle. Usually we add structure by having something that we have to *do*. Which makes hard days extra hard, because if I can't *do* anything I lose structure as well as feeling crap. But lying down to rest at a specific time is definitely something I can do.

The quietness afterwards is also good: I seem to be less scatterbrained as I'm finding when I start thinking about getting up I'm assessing what tasks I actually have planned, what's realistic and where I'm at.

The bedtime stuff has not yet drastically changed sleep patterns or stopped insomnia, but that's fine. What I have noticed is that it's stopped me from having nights where I go to bed really late. In other words, my sleep cycle isn't getting any worse. And on the plus side, it means I'm lying in bed reading for a few minutes before lights out, rather than stumbling into bed god knows when, feeling bad because it's so late and then trying to go straight to sleep. So I'm giving myself some nice wind down time.

Bedtime reading is good: the ME/CFS does limit my capacity to read in a number of ways, but on top of that for most of my adult life I've also been really good at *not* allowing myself to enjoy a book. (Blame it on a bizarrely ascetic personal ethic - I find it really hard to knit or watch TV in daylight hours too. Even if that means I spend the day staring at the walls.) But this is a small amount of light reading that can allow myself to enjoy and is within the limits of what I can manage, CFS-wise, as well.

I've also noticed (with thanks to 10B), that I am incredibly resistant to going to bed early. I'll find any excuse. Fortunately I filled him in on my plans a week ago and he's been quietly supportive about it all.

~~~

I'd like to make them things that are part of my days as an ongoing thing, but I must also confess that it's been a big change in how I work my days. Part of me wants to scream that school's out and I'm going to stay up allll night and not rest and nyah to everyone...even though I've quite enjoyed it and like the results.

~~~

Of course, I'm assuming this is all attributable to the targets I've set. Other things have been happening too - which is another good reason for deliberately keeping this up for a while. I'd like to see what this does in a variety of conditions. I think it would take a month to really know if this is a useful daily plan.

All I have to do now is resist the urge to set a zillion other targets, just because I'm superwoman and I can.
splodgenoodles: (Default)
A week ago I set myself some targets for the week.

The self-help course encouraged me to be modest in target setting, and not to set too many at once. This had honestly never occurred to me. I've always set ambitious targets and lots of them. And then crashed in a heap. So I switched to some very modest little targets to see what would happen. I found I could reach them, but also found they didn't matter to me enough or change things enough to inspire me to keep going. I guess I went from one extreme to the other, but it was good to see that I could reach them, and then see how easy they really were.

So last week I deliberately ramped things up. I was at a point where I needed to test my limits just a little bit. And on the plus side, as targets they weren't dependent on me feeling well enough to do them.

In order to remember them and keep myself on track, I had to write them down in texta and put them up somewhere where I can't avoid seeing them and give myself a tick each time something is done. And I told 10B. Not because he needs to do anything, just so he's aware and I know he's aware of what I'm trying to do and that it matters to me.

~~~

The targets were: pre-emptive rests at 3 and 6 o'clock of at least 15 minutes duration, to start the bedtime process by 11PM and to have lights out by midnight. These four targets were set as separate from each other so botching up the 6PM rest, for example, doesn't mean the day's lost. And the aim was to do each of these things five days out of seven. Always cut yourself some slack.

Also, I can go to bed earlier if I want, I can rest more often if I want, and I can rest for longer than 15 minutes if I want. And I was not to hurry and get a whole lot of stuff done before a rest.

None of this resting and lights out stuff is as easy as it sounds. I'm not going to explain why. It's hard, that's all.

~~~

The effects:

On only one occasion during a pre-emptive rest did I actually doze off (last night, in fact) which is good - the aim is not to sleep, just to shut down for a bit. The rests are a 'no ifs or buts' arrangement: drop whatever I'm doing and do it. So even on occasions when I've been damn nearly screaming that I don't need it and I'm fine, I've done it anyway - and then found that I did need it after all.

I rarely stayed down for only fifteen minutes, and I've stayed down for up to an hour, just relaxing and enjoying the warmth and inertia. (Except for the time I dozed off - I was there for about 90 minutes all up I think).

I don't feel recharged at the end of my rest. I feel calm and quiet and inert. And the inertia feels so good! I move around more slowly and steadily.

Thus far the most useful thing to come out of this is that the rests seem to be adding much needed structure to my day, of a sort that I can actually handle. Usually we add structure by having something that we have to *do*. Which makes hard days extra hard, because if I can't *do* anything I lose structure as well as feeling crap. But lying down to rest at a specific time is definitely something I can do.

The quietness afterwards is also good: I seem to be less scatterbrained as I'm finding when I start thinking about getting up I'm assessing what tasks I actually have planned, what's realistic and where I'm at.

The bedtime stuff has not yet drastically changed sleep patterns or stopped insomnia, but that's fine. What I have noticed is that it's stopped me from having nights where I go to bed really late. In other words, my sleep cycle isn't getting any worse. And on the plus side, it means I'm lying in bed reading for a few minutes before lights out, rather than stumbling into bed god knows when, feeling bad because it's so late and then trying to go straight to sleep. So I'm giving myself some nice wind down time.

Bedtime reading is good: the ME/CFS does limit my capacity to read in a number of ways, but on top of that for most of my adult life I've also been really good at *not* allowing myself to enjoy a book. (Blame it on a bizarrely ascetic personal ethic - I find it really hard to knit or watch TV in daylight hours too. Even if that means I spend the day staring at the walls.) But this is a small amount of light reading that can allow myself to enjoy and is within the limits of what I can manage, CFS-wise, as well.

I've also noticed (with thanks to 10B), that I am incredibly resistant to going to bed early. I'll find any excuse. Fortunately I filled him in on my plans a week ago and he's been quietly supportive about it all.

~~~

I'd like to make them things that are part of my days as an ongoing thing, but I must also confess that it's been a big change in how I work my days. Part of me wants to scream that school's out and I'm going to stay up allll night and not rest and nyah to everyone...even though I've quite enjoyed it and like the results.

~~~

Of course, I'm assuming this is all attributable to the targets I've set. Other things have been happening too - which is another good reason for deliberately keeping this up for a while. I'd like to see what this does in a variety of conditions. I think it would take a month to really know if this is a useful daily plan.

All I have to do now is resist the urge to set a zillion other targets, just because I'm superwoman and I can.

*yawn*

May. 20th, 2008 09:01 am
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Got a grand total of about five hours sleep last night, I'm hoping to tough it out today and go to bed at 10PMish. I'm throwing every behavioural strategy I've got at this, in the hopes I can keep with the (relatively) early rising business.

That's not entirely true of course, I really only got up because I couldn't sleep. Otherwise I'd still be there. It's just that I'd rather make my upness part of a clever and brave plan to improve my lot in life. And now I'm up, I'm yawning my head off and really wishing I was back in bed. And I really only couldn't sleep because the pathology nurse failed to show yesterday so I was stressing out about that, as I'm sure anyone would because the world will come to an end if your pathology nurse is a day late. And don't even get me started on what happens if your towels are folded wrong.

~~~

I have come to the conclusion that I have a constant level of anxiety regardless of circumstance so I'll be just as stressed in this situation as I would be if I were say, a high-powered diplomat and maybe a spy and now that I know this, I think it's safe for me to apply for jobs that say "must be able to handle a high pressure workplace" and explain that I lose a bit of sleep if the towels are folded wrong but it's okay, because if that's the worst that happens when the towels are folded wrong, then I'm pretty sure I can handle anything.

I'm sure they'll be impressed, you can read all about it when I publish my memoirs.

~~~

We have just been cat wrangling - Fuzzychops had to go to the vet for tests today. Getting her in the box involves brooms for the prodding when she hides behind the bath, and hands for the grabbing when she briefly is within reach and then much door opening and closing to ensure that she and InsideCat do not have to know of each other's existence, because then the world would come to an end, you know how it is with cats.

Anyway, she's there now with 10B. That's assuming she hasn't escaped from the box, hijacked the van and gone bush.

They're just routine old-cat blood tests, but she does take on so.

~~~

Shit, I can hear sirens.

*yawn*

May. 20th, 2008 09:01 am
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Got a grand total of about five hours sleep last night, I'm hoping to tough it out today and go to bed at 10PMish. I'm throwing every behavioural strategy I've got at this, in the hopes I can keep with the (relatively) early rising business.

That's not entirely true of course, I really only got up because I couldn't sleep. Otherwise I'd still be there. It's just that I'd rather make my upness part of a clever and brave plan to improve my lot in life. And now I'm up, I'm yawning my head off and really wishing I was back in bed. And I really only couldn't sleep because the pathology nurse failed to show yesterday so I was stressing out about that, as I'm sure anyone would because the world will come to an end if your pathology nurse is a day late. And don't even get me started on what happens if your towels are folded wrong.

~~~

I have come to the conclusion that I have a constant level of anxiety regardless of circumstance so I'll be just as stressed in this situation as I would be if I were say, a high-powered diplomat and maybe a spy and now that I know this, I think it's safe for me to apply for jobs that say "must be able to handle a high pressure workplace" and explain that I lose a bit of sleep if the towels are folded wrong but it's okay, because if that's the worst that happens when the towels are folded wrong, then I'm pretty sure I can handle anything.

I'm sure they'll be impressed, you can read all about it when I publish my memoirs.

~~~

We have just been cat wrangling - Fuzzychops had to go to the vet for tests today. Getting her in the box involves brooms for the prodding when she hides behind the bath, and hands for the grabbing when she briefly is within reach and then much door opening and closing to ensure that she and InsideCat do not have to know of each other's existence, because then the world would come to an end, you know how it is with cats.

Anyway, she's there now with 10B. That's assuming she hasn't escaped from the box, hijacked the van and gone bush.

They're just routine old-cat blood tests, but she does take on so.

~~~

Shit, I can hear sirens.
splodgenoodles: (The delinquent daisy)
Did I mention the insomnia?

The worst bit is climbing into bed feeling all nice and sleepy and cuddling up to 10B, and then just lying there until I'm wiiiide awake.

And I am *not* taking diazepam. I've taken enough of those lately. Benzo addiction - do not want.

The funny thing is, the restless leg trouble doesn't hit for the first three hours, because I'm so far away from sleep. It doesn't kick in (kick in, woo!) until, well, about 3 AM usually, when I finally start to drift off. Then it hits. And kicks. Like a mule.

So it's like, I've got insomnia and can't go to sleep for ages and then, when my body overcomes whatever it has to overcome to get me past the insomnia, I've got Restless Legs Bollocksyness to jolt me back to Wakeytown. And THEN I've got Obstructive Sleep Apnoea, which is of course, exacerbated by the sedatives and/or codeine that help with the first two problems and occasionally jolts me awake but mostly just reduces oxygen supply to my brain and puts undue pressure on my heart and vital organs thus predisposing me to a range of nasty and potentially fatal disease and conditions - and making me feel a certain amount of daytime fatigue.

~~~

Can I win the lottery now please? The good lottery, where you win money. Not the bad lottery where you win an amusingly ironic collection of conditions that can only be managed by the guys that spin plates on sticks at the circus. I've already won that one.

~~~

I am off to try again. This time, it's full strength chamomile tea to the rescue. And maybe a nice talking book - I have a small mountain of Terry Pratchett CDs and if I'm going to be awake, I may as well be cheerful.

Oh and a friend cut my hair today. Yay!
splodgenoodles: (The delinquent daisy)
Did I mention the insomnia?

The worst bit is climbing into bed feeling all nice and sleepy and cuddling up to 10B, and then just lying there until I'm wiiiide awake.

And I am *not* taking diazepam. I've taken enough of those lately. Benzo addiction - do not want.

The funny thing is, the restless leg trouble doesn't hit for the first three hours, because I'm so far away from sleep. It doesn't kick in (kick in, woo!) until, well, about 3 AM usually, when I finally start to drift off. Then it hits. And kicks. Like a mule.

So it's like, I've got insomnia and can't go to sleep for ages and then, when my body overcomes whatever it has to overcome to get me past the insomnia, I've got Restless Legs Bollocksyness to jolt me back to Wakeytown. And THEN I've got Obstructive Sleep Apnoea, which is of course, exacerbated by the sedatives and/or codeine that help with the first two problems and occasionally jolts me awake but mostly just reduces oxygen supply to my brain and puts undue pressure on my heart and vital organs thus predisposing me to a range of nasty and potentially fatal disease and conditions - and making me feel a certain amount of daytime fatigue.

~~~

Can I win the lottery now please? The good lottery, where you win money. Not the bad lottery where you win an amusingly ironic collection of conditions that can only be managed by the guys that spin plates on sticks at the circus. I've already won that one.

~~~

I am off to try again. This time, it's full strength chamomile tea to the rescue. And maybe a nice talking book - I have a small mountain of Terry Pratchett CDs and if I'm going to be awake, I may as well be cheerful.

Oh and a friend cut my hair today. Yay!
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Riiight.

So I wake up at 6:45. That's it. Looks like that's it anyway. Trouble is, I still go to sleep after midnight and am finding it harder to change that than you might expect.

Let me rephrase that: my sleep cycle has been worse than ever lately and it occured to me today that what in fact is happening is that I'm waking up early like normal people do, but I'm still going to bed late, and that the mornings I sleep until fuck knows when are in fact, catch-up sleeps. They certainly feel like catch up sleeps now, where they used to feel simply like the second half of my night's sleep, if that makes any sense.

I seem to be caught in between my old habit of night owlishness and the new habit of being normal that I've been trying to develop. It's making things quite unpredictable.

Still, at least it's shifting at long last.

~~~

In other news, I have realised I am a canary. *nods* It's deeper than you think.

~~~

And why does the weekend when the entire world drops by (thankyou world, it was real) have to also be the weekend when I'm slouching round in tartan jarmies? They're comfy but I feel they lack the style of my others and I think guests look at me funny.
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Riiight.

So I wake up at 6:45. That's it. Looks like that's it anyway. Trouble is, I still go to sleep after midnight and am finding it harder to change that than you might expect.

Let me rephrase that: my sleep cycle has been worse than ever lately and it occured to me today that what in fact is happening is that I'm waking up early like normal people do, but I'm still going to bed late, and that the mornings I sleep until fuck knows when are in fact, catch-up sleeps. They certainly feel like catch up sleeps now, where they used to feel simply like the second half of my night's sleep, if that makes any sense.

I seem to be caught in between my old habit of night owlishness and the new habit of being normal that I've been trying to develop. It's making things quite unpredictable.

Still, at least it's shifting at long last.

~~~

In other news, I have realised I am a canary. *nods* It's deeper than you think.

~~~

And why does the weekend when the entire world drops by (thankyou world, it was real) have to also be the weekend when I'm slouching round in tartan jarmies? They're comfy but I feel they lack the style of my others and I think guests look at me funny.

Insomnia

Feb. 18th, 2007 06:38 am
splodgenoodles: (angry moomintroll)
Every so often you see those annoyingly smarmy articles on how to get a restful night's sleep and there's always a sentence in there somewhere that goes something like:

"Studies show that most people underestimate the amount of sleep they get. Usually, when people say they've not had a wink all night, they are not actually correct."

I'm the reason they have to say "usually".

~~~

First time I read one of those articles I was a teenager, I think it was in a Reader's Digest.

They haven't changed since then, and they still refer to unspecified studies to back up their claims. I'm not saying their claims aren't true, but I wonder if the non-referenced research studies are the same ones, because that would make them at least 30 years old (these were old copies of the Digest bought at a fete for casual reading at a holiday house). And this begs the question of how those studies would match up with ones done more recently. I wonder if that stuff is now so ingrained in the popular psyche that underestimating one's sleep is still that common.

After all, I overestimated my sleep at one point so that doctors wouldn't think I was being an hysterical coward.

Of course, then I realised that they probably thought I was underestimating anyway and were adding four hours onto the four hours I lied about having and writing in my file that I was a complete nimrod. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. I blame the brainfog.

I tried to go back to underestimating hours just like the scientifically proven normal population, but I couldn't work out how to do a negative.

~~~

'Cranky' might belong right after 'content' on the mood list, but I really think there should be something in between to avoid embarrassing early morning errors. Could be quite misleading.

~~~

Insomnia

Feb. 18th, 2007 06:38 am
splodgenoodles: (angry moomintroll)
Every so often you see those annoyingly smarmy articles on how to get a restful night's sleep and there's always a sentence in there somewhere that goes something like:

"Studies show that most people underestimate the amount of sleep they get. Usually, when people say they've not had a wink all night, they are not actually correct."

I'm the reason they have to say "usually".

~~~

First time I read one of those articles I was a teenager, I think it was in a Reader's Digest.

They haven't changed since then, and they still refer to unspecified studies to back up their claims. I'm not saying their claims aren't true, but I wonder if the non-referenced research studies are the same ones, because that would make them at least 30 years old (these were old copies of the Digest bought at a fete for casual reading at a holiday house). And this begs the question of how those studies would match up with ones done more recently. I wonder if that stuff is now so ingrained in the popular psyche that underestimating one's sleep is still that common.

After all, I overestimated my sleep at one point so that doctors wouldn't think I was being an hysterical coward.

Of course, then I realised that they probably thought I was underestimating anyway and were adding four hours onto the four hours I lied about having and writing in my file that I was a complete nimrod. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. I blame the brainfog.

I tried to go back to underestimating hours just like the scientifically proven normal population, but I couldn't work out how to do a negative.

~~~

'Cranky' might belong right after 'content' on the mood list, but I really think there should be something in between to avoid embarrassing early morning errors. Could be quite misleading.

~~~

Blather.

Feb. 11th, 2007 02:52 pm
splodgenoodles: (Lock stock stoner eyes)
I'm in bed today, which is kind of annoying. Still, my icon is nicely appropriate.

And lots of bits of me are sore too. Moreso than usual. Bah humbug, I say! [livejournal.com profile] tenbears and the visiting [livejournal.com profile] beerwulf are off at General HQ doing stuff that is probably quite interesting, like building bread ovens and medieval-style kitchens, or maybe just patting the delightful if increasingly flatulent Binka.**

On the plus side, if you were going to have to lose a day tucked away indoors, today isn't a bad one to lose: it's dry and windy and warm outside. Precisely the sort of day I hate. There were a few rolls of thunder pre-dawn, but no rain and very little cloud about now. I'm so bored with sunny weather. Plain damn bored!

~~~

Today's crash results from the 'tired but wired' problem that comes with the ME/CFS. (And yes, I know I used the word 'tired' and if anyone else did I'd jump at them, but um, too bad).

What happens is I'm active, then I simply can't switch off. This become a critical problem if it's still happenning when I try to got to sleep. I'm not anxious, not even thinking too much or thinking about the day I've had. Just not able to go to sleep.

My legs and pelvis were *really* squirmy so I couldn't keep my legs still - Restless Legs Syndrome - but I was too buggered to be up and walking about. (I recently became aware of a conference that was called to discuss just how wrong it is that the medical industry is apparently 'creating' new illnesses, like Restless Legs Syndrome, and I can only assume the conference participants were an extraordinarily lucky bunch of smug healthy bastards who'd I'd happily swap places with anyday. Psycho-social bloody facism, that's what it is I tells ya! Gimme the medicalisation of the things that ail me, then give me the drugs invented to help, and let me get on with my life, please! It terrifies me to think the greatest contribution I make to the world will be being an example of something in someone's stupid unread sociology PhD.)

And my CPAP machine was driving me nuts. I started using it again three nights ago and surprisingly I had zero trouble getting used to it again. But last night, no go. Too sensitive to noise, that fruit peeler in the brain feeling. Ended up trying it with ear plugs at daybreak and dozed for a bit I think, but I didn't seem to lose awareness of it at any point.

I sometimes think that if I could just find a way to switch off after activity, I'd be fine. And I sometimes wonder if we shouldn't describe it as a condition of chronic over-exertion and over alertness. This leads to exhaustion and inability to function well, but does not actually stop, so you're still super alert and aware, but totally useless at the same time because your alertness is going in all the wrong directions and your body and brain is screaming for a break.

Just a thought.

~~~

Oh, I did get to introduce [livejournal.com profile] beerwulf to Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels last night, always satisfying to do that because it's such a great film and it means that I get to sit through it once again. I think he was rather pleased too - last week I made him watch The Thunderbirds and while he's an insanely polite chap, I'm sure if I'd done that to him again there may have been words. Or more likely he would have excused himself to go to the loo, nipped out the back door and never returned.

~~~

Actually I've eased up on watching Thunderbirds this week and I'm back to trawling my way through Blake's 7, because I was sick of overdramatic acting and exaggerated facial expressions.

*coughs and moves on*

~~~

So since I'm just flopping about in bed today, there may be more posts later. Or not, since I'm really rather floppy and unable to get my shit together.


**Yes, totally unneccessary photo link.

This bed smells. Whuf.

Blather.

Feb. 11th, 2007 02:52 pm
splodgenoodles: (Lock stock stoner eyes)
I'm in bed today, which is kind of annoying. Still, my icon is nicely appropriate.

And lots of bits of me are sore too. Moreso than usual. Bah humbug, I say! [livejournal.com profile] tenbears and the visiting [livejournal.com profile] beerwulf are off at General HQ doing stuff that is probably quite interesting, like building bread ovens and medieval-style kitchens, or maybe just patting the delightful if increasingly flatulent Binka.**

On the plus side, if you were going to have to lose a day tucked away indoors, today isn't a bad one to lose: it's dry and windy and warm outside. Precisely the sort of day I hate. There were a few rolls of thunder pre-dawn, but no rain and very little cloud about now. I'm so bored with sunny weather. Plain damn bored!

~~~

Today's crash results from the 'tired but wired' problem that comes with the ME/CFS. (And yes, I know I used the word 'tired' and if anyone else did I'd jump at them, but um, too bad).

What happens is I'm active, then I simply can't switch off. This become a critical problem if it's still happenning when I try to got to sleep. I'm not anxious, not even thinking too much or thinking about the day I've had. Just not able to go to sleep.

My legs and pelvis were *really* squirmy so I couldn't keep my legs still - Restless Legs Syndrome - but I was too buggered to be up and walking about. (I recently became aware of a conference that was called to discuss just how wrong it is that the medical industry is apparently 'creating' new illnesses, like Restless Legs Syndrome, and I can only assume the conference participants were an extraordinarily lucky bunch of smug healthy bastards who'd I'd happily swap places with anyday. Psycho-social bloody facism, that's what it is I tells ya! Gimme the medicalisation of the things that ail me, then give me the drugs invented to help, and let me get on with my life, please! It terrifies me to think the greatest contribution I make to the world will be being an example of something in someone's stupid unread sociology PhD.)

And my CPAP machine was driving me nuts. I started using it again three nights ago and surprisingly I had zero trouble getting used to it again. But last night, no go. Too sensitive to noise, that fruit peeler in the brain feeling. Ended up trying it with ear plugs at daybreak and dozed for a bit I think, but I didn't seem to lose awareness of it at any point.

I sometimes think that if I could just find a way to switch off after activity, I'd be fine. And I sometimes wonder if we shouldn't describe it as a condition of chronic over-exertion and over alertness. This leads to exhaustion and inability to function well, but does not actually stop, so you're still super alert and aware, but totally useless at the same time because your alertness is going in all the wrong directions and your body and brain is screaming for a break.

Just a thought.

~~~

Oh, I did get to introduce [livejournal.com profile] beerwulf to Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels last night, always satisfying to do that because it's such a great film and it means that I get to sit through it once again. I think he was rather pleased too - last week I made him watch The Thunderbirds and while he's an insanely polite chap, I'm sure if I'd done that to him again there may have been words. Or more likely he would have excused himself to go to the loo, nipped out the back door and never returned.

~~~

Actually I've eased up on watching Thunderbirds this week and I'm back to trawling my way through Blake's 7, because I was sick of overdramatic acting and exaggerated facial expressions.

*coughs and moves on*

~~~

So since I'm just flopping about in bed today, there may be more posts later. Or not, since I'm really rather floppy and unable to get my shit together.


**Yes, totally unneccessary photo link.

This bed smells. Whuf.

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