Oct. 12th, 2014

Tiger.

Oct. 12th, 2014 01:34 pm
splodgenoodles: (Default)
I think she's passed another milestone. Her eating is even more sporadic and she needs much encouragement now. She's bony and not grooming herself. I just surprised here with a bowl of tuna on the couch, and she's tucking in, but she wasn't motivated to go find it herself and she didn't sit up to eat but leaned into the bowl from a lying position.

So I'm now not thinking in terms of many more weeks, probably a couple at most.

Rather selfishly, I'm not happy that her departure may well coincide with my birthday. Such a strange but universal experience: simultaneous impatience for something inevitable, even while you don't want it to happen. One sees the decreased comfort and wants it to cease, but it will only happen by going through a point of no return.

I am reminiscing about happy moments: the joy of being able to carry her around the house while turning off light switches for the night, with her curious about the process and purring: entirely trusting of what I was doing, happy companionship. The time we collected her from a cattery after a holiday, and they told us she'd caught a mouse (a mouse in a cattery? Some kind of kamakazi mouse, I presume). The first time I met her and she raced up to me, hungry and alone (except for the litter of kittens she'd concealed in the backyard, who I was allowed to meet the next day). Dozing with her head atop mine, her purrs sending vibrations right through my head.

We've travelled a long way together. We've developed little routines and intimacies, which have evolved and changed as circumstances change. When she was an outdoors cat, I'd sometimes lie on the grass and she'd climb over me and work her way up my sleeves in order to bite my armpits, and she could never fall asleep, as it was all too exciting to have me there. Aged about ten, she became an indoor cat, and very quickly started sleeping on me, and took to sleeping on my pillow until her old age, combined with my tossing and turning, made it a too precarious proposition. She also quickly discovered how to get my attention by patting me with a paw. Now she sleeps next to the bed, on a chair with a heated mat, but wants a pat a couple of times a night and occasionally jumps aboard to pat me for no apparent reason.

I didn't choose this girl, she chose me. And I'm so glad that she did for she has smoothed the bumps and transitions of life, provided love and comfort in dark times, and made me happy just by being a cat and doing the things that cats will do.

So now we're in that last phase, where I feed her on the couch while she lies next to me, and I won't go far from home so that she won't be without the encouragement she needs to eat, and my hugs and pats carry more emotional weight than they ever did, because they come with the awareness that there aren't too many more of them to be had and it's time to make sure I've said thankyou as much as I can, and soon it will be time for the big last thankyou ... and goodbye.

There's a hole already dug in the yard for when she needs it, which I'll plant with jonquils once she's there.
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Final draft of paper and OMG I am changing so much...
splodgenoodles: (Default)
Essay is done and I feel like a balloon that's had all the air let out.

Probably a bit too long and wordy but I don't think I can do much about that now. It is what it is.

Now for a shower, a lie down, and then more flaking out in the company of friends and Doctor Who. Next projects involve catching up on lectures for the course and staring at my sewing machine.

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