splodgenoodles: (Default)
[personal profile] splodgenoodles
When I was a kid I used to pray. I liked to start with "Dear God (In Heaven)" (yes, I always thought it in parentheses, I do that quite a bit). I was a fairly uptight child, always worried about things going astray, so I felt compelled to add in His address just to be on the safe side.

Given I was a monotheist I'm not quite sure where the hell else I thought my prayers would go, but that's what I did.


So. Anyway. I still have boxes of my folks' now unwanted books. And a cupboard full. We've all pawed through them all and taken all the good ones and I'm now left with the remains.


Dear God (In Heaven),

What the fuck am I to do with all these books?

They're all about You, do You want them?

The guy from the theology library didn't actually groan out loud when I rang up and asked if they ever accepted donations, but I suspect he groaned as soon as I hung up. He probably banged his head on the desk too, and wished to You that people would understand that just because it's a theology library doesn't mean it's not a professional operation and doesn't mean it wants well meaning donations of trash. Not that that's what I was intending him to feel, as You are no doubt aware, but I suspect that's where his head is at on a Friday afternoon and I failed to anticipate his fragile state of mind and respond accordingly.

BTW, I promise I'll try not to torment anyone like that again.... although if You really wanted me to keep promises like that You could have given me better social skills (and maybe ESP), thanks for nothing.

My next stop will be the local secondhand bookstores but I'm not optimistic. Mostly these days the money's in old school sci-fi and vintage porn and nothing personal but you're neither.

Yeah, yeah, I know about the Song of Solomon and I know about Sodom and Gomorrah but the former is poetry and the latter was a huge disappointment for a repressed teenage girl, and none of this stuff looks to be about that stuff anyway.

Addit.: And arguing that creation + apocalypse is sci fi? I think the local book dealers would argue it's is more in the realm of anthropology and as You well know, no one in my family would be prepared to argue otherwise not even for a joke. And we know You wouldn't either, because You aren't that sort of God. So putting it into my head that I should try arguing that it's really double-plus extra vintage sci-fi (or porn, see above) for the sake of earning a few quid was really rather evil of You. You're tempting me enough with Captain Jack, so kindly lay off on the rest of it.

And You know I can't throw books away, it's a sin. You know that.

So take this burden from me, please?

Amen from Splodge (on Earth, although it's been feeling decidely warm lately...have I been demoted?)

PS. About that other stack of books in the cupboard - the history ones. Every time I try and haul those out at least five more leap out and onto the shelves and I have to put them away in a hurry before the other books get any ideas. We have a house full of unread books already. Enough is enough with the biblio-torment don't you think?

Date: 2007-06-29 06:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ilikerivers.livejournal.com
You made me giggle:)

What about making some really abstract art out of them?

Date: 2007-06-29 06:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ilikerivers.livejournal.com
You made me giggle:)

What about making some really abstract art out of them?

Date: 2007-06-29 07:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonsally.livejournal.com
Ohhh, I know, I know.

Perhaps we could do something together - all the books of a theological bent and the boxes and boxes of knitting machine yarn we have from P's mum...

the passing of the burden...

Date: 2007-06-29 07:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mishymoocow-2.livejournal.com
Thank you for this lovely prayer. It was so amusing and well-written I was compelled to read it aloud to hubby....

....who immediately offered to take the books off your hands for the local church's bi-annual Book Fair....

.....So thank you for that. Really.

Hubby then commented that he thinks our local minister might get very excited and refuse to donate them to the Fair, but instead keep them for the Parish's Theological Library. (That seems to happen a lot with theological books.)....

..........and I seem to be the only parishioner who dusts the library. So thanks again.

Finally - should you take him up on his offer - I think the chances of hubby leaving them all at the Book Donation storage place, and not bringing *any* home in his pockets, is about the same as Jade's cat baking those muffins.

So.... thank you.

Re: the passing of the burden...

Date: 2007-06-29 08:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] splodgenoodles.livejournal.com
Hey you're welcome!

We'll bring them over when we come for tea. And I'll even bring you an extra duster. :-)

Date: 2007-06-29 08:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] braunie.livejournal.com
Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. I got my period today. Do you think it would be blasphemous if I were to use the pages from all these extra theology books as sanitary napkins?

Date: 2007-06-29 04:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] liddle-oldman.livejournal.com
Can you find a Satanic cult to donate them to? I'm sure they could find some inventive uses for them.

Date: 2007-06-29 04:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pondhopper.livejournal.com
I loved this. We don´t have theological book but quite a few others that would have a hard time finding homes since yes, it is a sin to throw away books. Even horrible ones.


Yes, I´d been wondering about the demotion myself when I break out into hormone induced sweats.

Date: 2007-06-29 05:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elmsley-rose.livejournal.com

chocolate biscuits for you!

Date: 2007-06-30 04:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] splodgenoodles.livejournal.com
Yay bickies!

I win!!1!

Date: 2007-06-29 11:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tooticky.livejournal.com
Heh. My brothers and I will have a very similar problem when my parents finally die. (Even saying that made me hesitate, but I don't think they'd go for 'passed on'.) My Dad has an enormous collection of theology, christian psychology and counselling, etc. It has left him with very little room in his office for anything else. He's a minister, and he likes books. Heaven help us children of priests. :)

Date: 2007-06-30 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] splodgenoodles.livejournal.com
Offspring of the union of a clergyman and an historian...double whammy. (Only Mum's are more interesting).


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