splodgenoodles: (Penelope intro)
#86:

When you are feeling pleased with your achievements, do not start your next to-do list.
splodgenoodles: (angry moomintroll)
1. Do something that you haven't done for a while, and feel really well afterwards.



Works like a charm, every fucking time.

Addit.: 2. Feel optimistic about your progress.
splodgenoodles: (angry moomintroll)
1. Do something that you haven't done for a while, and feel really well afterwards.



Works like a charm, every fucking time.

Addit.: 2. Feel optimistic about your progress.
splodgenoodles: (contemplation)
I feel all melancholy tonight.

Not sure why, probably hormonal. But also I was hoping for good rain this week. We got the cool change this afternoon but it's still dry. That ain't right. You're supposed to have a good solid downpour with a cool change, that's how our weather works.

Oh, and our Prime Minister's a dick, but that's been the case for ages so I ought to be used to it by now.

I seem also to be in that in-between place again, where my capacity keeps shifting and I can't quite get a handle on what I can expect of myself or my days. I spend an embarrassing amount of time doing sudoku puzzles while feeling (unsurprisingly) unfulfilled, and I can't remember just what I did before these bloody puzzles entered my life. I spend a stupid amount of time staring at the internet, but without really engaging with much of what I see. So yeah, I might refresh my f-list a thousand times a day but rest assured, I don't have the powers of concentration for anything that even remotely resembles cyber-stalking. It's rather like staring at the test pattern. Idle surfing. It's really kind of depressing.

I have been trying to shift myself into other activities, with varying degrees of success. Just moving myself into action, beyond just running the rat through the same old maze that is my brain, seems to be kind of exhausting in itself.

On the plus side:
-I got some DVDs ready for a couple of friends, which required me to learn a few new things about software (particularly DivX) along the way, which was very satisfying.
-I've tidied up some of my bookmarks, I've cleared space on my hard drive, I've started messing around with spreadsheets which I've been meaning to do for ages, I've uninstalled and reinstalled things like computer literate people do. In fact, I think I am finally becoming computer literate, sort of, which is pretty cool.
-I've made various appointments.
-I've made good progress on my embroidery.
-I went out last night!
-10B moved some stuff round in the living room so I've now got space to keep a few little plants that can't cope with being outside anymore.
-I've watched some good telly and 10B is reading me a good book.
-And let's not forget last weekend was really cool and I survived it a lot better than I had feared I would.
-I no longer need 10B to fill an esky and leave it beside the bed for me although he'll still be doing it as a precaution if I have a heavy day. I'm well enough now, most days anyway, to get my own breakfast and lunch. This is huge.
-I'm cancelling all personal care and going back to just having homehelp, because we don't really need the personal care anymore. Will probably still need help getting out and about on an ad-hoc basis.

Really, I can't complain.

Hormones aside, this melancholy always happens when I have an improvement in my capacity. It's like I can't quite work out what to do, so I'm simply filling my time with lots more little jobs or something. What I am doing no longer feels so challenging.

So. Soon I'll readjust and find more challenges and probably feel better as a result.

~~~

Challenge is what keeps me happy. Stressed, but on some other level: happy. Or absorbed at least, rather than twiddling my thumbs.

This is also when I find myself looking at the millions of little things I want to get done and actually worry that I *will* get them all done...because then what will I do?

And these last two issues - the need for challenge and the fear of having nothing to do - have nothing to do with CFS and everything to do with me. And everything to do with being a fairly normal human being.

~~~~

Another interpretation would be that it's frustration: I find myself feeling happy about improvement but then comparing that improvement to how much better I want things to be. So "yay, I can get my own breakfast" becomes "yay, it's taken me over a year to be well enough that I can make tea and toast so long as I can have a lie down afterwards and so long as my days consist of staring at the walls...oh be still my beating heart".

But I've mentioned all this before.

~~~~

Time to go back and look at my plans and goals for the year, I think.

'night all.
splodgenoodles: (contemplation)
I feel all melancholy tonight.

Not sure why, probably hormonal. But also I was hoping for good rain this week. We got the cool change this afternoon but it's still dry. That ain't right. You're supposed to have a good solid downpour with a cool change, that's how our weather works.

Oh, and our Prime Minister's a dick, but that's been the case for ages so I ought to be used to it by now.

I seem also to be in that in-between place again, where my capacity keeps shifting and I can't quite get a handle on what I can expect of myself or my days. I spend an embarrassing amount of time doing sudoku puzzles while feeling (unsurprisingly) unfulfilled, and I can't remember just what I did before these bloody puzzles entered my life. I spend a stupid amount of time staring at the internet, but without really engaging with much of what I see. So yeah, I might refresh my f-list a thousand times a day but rest assured, I don't have the powers of concentration for anything that even remotely resembles cyber-stalking. It's rather like staring at the test pattern. Idle surfing. It's really kind of depressing.

I have been trying to shift myself into other activities, with varying degrees of success. Just moving myself into action, beyond just running the rat through the same old maze that is my brain, seems to be kind of exhausting in itself.

On the plus side:
-I got some DVDs ready for a couple of friends, which required me to learn a few new things about software (particularly DivX) along the way, which was very satisfying.
-I've tidied up some of my bookmarks, I've cleared space on my hard drive, I've started messing around with spreadsheets which I've been meaning to do for ages, I've uninstalled and reinstalled things like computer literate people do. In fact, I think I am finally becoming computer literate, sort of, which is pretty cool.
-I've made various appointments.
-I've made good progress on my embroidery.
-I went out last night!
-10B moved some stuff round in the living room so I've now got space to keep a few little plants that can't cope with being outside anymore.
-I've watched some good telly and 10B is reading me a good book.
-And let's not forget last weekend was really cool and I survived it a lot better than I had feared I would.
-I no longer need 10B to fill an esky and leave it beside the bed for me although he'll still be doing it as a precaution if I have a heavy day. I'm well enough now, most days anyway, to get my own breakfast and lunch. This is huge.
-I'm cancelling all personal care and going back to just having homehelp, because we don't really need the personal care anymore. Will probably still need help getting out and about on an ad-hoc basis.

Really, I can't complain.

Hormones aside, this melancholy always happens when I have an improvement in my capacity. It's like I can't quite work out what to do, so I'm simply filling my time with lots more little jobs or something. What I am doing no longer feels so challenging.

So. Soon I'll readjust and find more challenges and probably feel better as a result.

~~~

Challenge is what keeps me happy. Stressed, but on some other level: happy. Or absorbed at least, rather than twiddling my thumbs.

This is also when I find myself looking at the millions of little things I want to get done and actually worry that I *will* get them all done...because then what will I do?

And these last two issues - the need for challenge and the fear of having nothing to do - have nothing to do with CFS and everything to do with me. And everything to do with being a fairly normal human being.

~~~~

Another interpretation would be that it's frustration: I find myself feeling happy about improvement but then comparing that improvement to how much better I want things to be. So "yay, I can get my own breakfast" becomes "yay, it's taken me over a year to be well enough that I can make tea and toast so long as I can have a lie down afterwards and so long as my days consist of staring at the walls...oh be still my beating heart".

But I've mentioned all this before.

~~~~

Time to go back and look at my plans and goals for the year, I think.

'night all.

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